Tuesday, August 25, 2015

new perspective

Here we go- the moment my life changed.

May 5th 2007 I was in a process of rescuing a horse. As I am tying him by the fence using a nylon rope he pulled back. My hand was inside of the loop and in less then a second my daily routines as I knew them change and so did my life. The flesh of my finger tips, except the thumb litterally got sliced of the bones, think peeling the meat of a chicken bone (sorry for the unpleasant explanation but it was I was told by the doctors.)
All the tendons got torn and fingers broken. They were able to reattached two fingers but had to amputate two of my fingertips.The doctor's also informed me I might not get full function of my fingers back and most likely not bend my hand backwards for a handstand. The physical pain was so intense my body was in chock and I was put on heavy pain meds, the fear gripped a hold of my heart, mind and body, I had moments of the feeling of being beaten up inside out.
What unfolded changed my outlook on life and so did my yoga practice and they way I teach. I knew I had to confront the fear and a week later, with the support from my sister who had flown in from Sweden, I dragged myself up to the ranch to continue the work with the same horse who's spirit was broken from years of being on the racetrack.
There were times when my legs buckled and I couldn't stand, I threw up a few times and my heart was raising so fast I thought I would have a heart attack.
- All from FEAR, it's called PTSD.
Thanks to a very stubborn, strong willed, competitive personality and the doctors saying to me; you might not be able to some things….. well, tell me I can't do it I will prove you the difference.smile emoticon
And the LOVE and support pouring in from all over the world, the only thing what is different with my fingers is they look funny. Handstands -no problem but not as important to me anymore and if I one day get married it most likely will not be to be with a man how enjoy's a woman with beautiful hands.
I am so immensely grateful this happened to me. Because the love I got to experience was the kind that heals all wounds. My friends Rebecca and Anthony opened their home to care for me, nurse James and doctor Fergie came by every day to changed the bandages, strangers sent me emails with loving words. Dave Stringer donated his time for a fundraising yoga class, old friends and new wrapped their arms around me, my floor was filled with cards and checks (since in the US something like this can financially ruin you). Students who had taken my class only once 10 year prior to this wrote me. I wish I could name you all who reached out, but you know who you are. I bow to you all in gratitude.

My practice of Yoga had prepared me for this. I was present, my body was strong and my heart open to receive. This is what healed me quickly inside out and shifted my perspective forever. For the gesture from another human reaching out to help and me receiving it is the most powerful force of action there is.
But I also had to do the work. I had to show up to my body and spirit and went into fight mode that it had to get done.
No one will do it for me, I have to do it. I accepted the fact that maybe I won't own my horse but if it would come to that, I would walk away because it's MY choice. Not because fear had gripped a hold of me and take away my deepest passion -horses. I ended up buying the most beautiful creature - Romeo, my four legged soulmate.
So if you are out there in physical pain, broken heart, lost spirit…you can do it. You have to stand up. Believe you are worthy of inner peace and happiness and you can heal your wounds. Even if your body changes, you heart and soul will only get wiser. One way or another find the strength. Ask for help and receive it. For life is so precious and all we have is NOW. The next moment can change everything. You have to look fear in the eyes and like you look at a wild animal in front of you. For then fear will buckle. Not your legs. Not your heart. Not your spirit.
To all of you out there who needs it,
I send you love. heart emoticon heart emoticon heart emoticon Camilla

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